As I watch my dear friend, Master Bert ceremonially feed his slave nadine at a recent dinner party, I wonder who is in service to whom? She looks quite regal sitting there, her arms behind her back, cuffed and connected by chain to the metal collar she wears permanently around her long and lovely neck. He cuts one mouthful at a time for her and tenderly brings it to her lips. I notice a sweet sensuous gleam in her eyes as she is fed so adoringly. At times such relationships of control and surrender seem rather paradoxical.
This power dynamic as a 24/7 reality is rather rare, although countless submissives fantasize about it. Keyword: FANTASIZE!
As my friend Sybil Holiday, D/s trainer extraordinaire and co-author of Consensual Sadomasochism, fondly says, "D/s 24/7 is not easy. It can be rewarding, blissful, hot, challenging, boring, but it has never been 'easy' as it requires serious attention. But then, I don't seek out 'easy.'" You truly have to know who you are and what you want.
And sometimes “miracles” do happen! Sonora says she knew from M’s very first post on ALT.Com that he was the kind of Dom she was looking for.
He wrote, “I’m energetic and very dominant, yet loving and caring. I like having a sub that I keep on her toes with regular doses of discipline, training, orgasms, and affection. You MUST give your self to me as a matter of your choice, and then I will lead you into that heady area where you can experience true subservience and Domination.
His post continued, “One of my favorite scenarios is for you to be fairly conservatively dressed, but san underwear. You will be fitted with a butterfly vibrator and I will have the remote control. We will spend the day or evening out in a public arena. You will NOT be allowed to orgasm without my consent. The world will only be able to guess as to the origin of the cockeyed smile on your face. Occasionally, when I feel it’s appropriate, I will take the liberty of assessing the state of your bottom; wet, dry, quivering? If you should slip and orgasm without my consent, you will be punished when we return home.
Punishment and chastisement could range anywhere from spanking to whipping, while being tied up and or suspended. It will mean having your pussy and anus probed and generally being made to know that it is I who am in control of you. I will control your pleasure, and I will control your pain.”
“Oh sure,” Sonora recalls, “he told me the practical stuff too, his age, marital and health status, etc, but his ad convinced me that he had thought about this and really knew what he wanted. His ad told me that he had a vision, an image of what kind of relationship he wanted to create. And then, he signed it, “‘Til then, I wish you great sex and thunderous orgasms!’ I was already turned on!”
She felt a bit confused too. “How could I,” she thought, “a product of the feminist movement, single mother of two strong daughters, outspoken as I am, be submissive? I delved into all the submissive sites, bought all the books and scribbled in my journal as I tried to make sense of this. Finally I decided that labels were unimportant; what made me happy was important. And what made me happy was being submissive to a man.”
Now, at the same time Sonora wanted to prove her submissiveness, she knew she could not risk exposure, embarrassment, or inappropriate behavior in public. “At first I did not really know how to negotiate. It’s hard when you are inherently submissive to ask for what you need or say you don’t want to do something. Add in my inexperience and I can say that for the most part I didn’t really know what I was talking about. Pain? Service? Humiliation? What did I fantasize about and what would I like in reality? We both agreed up front to total honesty, holding nothing back, everything was up for discussion and feedback was essential.”
Their first contract was for one month, during which time they learned to talk after play. Sonora reports, “it was hard for me say what was too much pain. It turns out I’m not much of a masochist. However, M is satisfied with taking me to my limits, pushing a little more, and understands that it is not good for either of us if I take too long to recuperate.” That’s when they decided to contact me.
I am fond of men in utilikilts and highly polished black leather boots, especially when they come with a strong handshake. M and sonora, looking like the cute redhead next door in a denim miniskirt and black Ferragamo’s, appeared at my door with warm and friendly smiles. After a brief fine tuning of our email negotiations, we moved into the dungeon. As soon as we started to play, I noticed that his sadism was running him. Like for many dominant men, he built the energy up too fast once he started swinging the whip. All this Master and his submissive really needed was to tune in to each other! I pointed out to M that he was not giving her enough time to process the blows of his floggers and ready herself to accept more. To slow down I advised both to breathe, yes to breathe, to take deeper breaths together. When I whip or cane willing “victims” and let the energy of the impact return back to me, I do get turned on! After all, we are not beating each other up! This is erotic D/s and part of the fiery journey we go in together. In my practice subtlety and sadism go hand in hand and real punishment is NO PLAY!
In her reply to my request that M and sonora share their story since they met on ALT. she writes, “M and I want to thank you for your guidance, acceptance and understanding. The learning continues on both of our parts. We just had our first public scene. M flogged me and did quite a nice job, I must say. Our lives are an interesting mix of D/s, power exchange, and just being a couple. I was looking for a Dom that wanted control and that is what I have. We have now negotiated an un-ending contract and I am looking forward to growing old with my Master and serving him until it’s too hard for him to hold the whip!”
If you are seeking a D/s relationship, join me next month for helpful tips from Master Bert and slave nadine. His PHd dissertation is titled, “Partner Selection, Power Dynamics, and Sexual Bargaining in Self-Defined BDSM Couples.” Yes really!
Stay tuned!
In leather pride with heart,
Cleo Dubois
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When not writing for ALT and traveling the country doing demonstrations, Ms. Dubois enjoys coaching couples in private, guided play at her SF Bay area dungeon. You’ll find her special couples page at [extern url='http://www.sm-arts.com/couples.htm' target='_blank' text='www.sm-arts.com/couples'].
Erotic Dominance Intensive Weekend for Dominant Women & Women Who Switch
September 30-October 1, 2006
Gain the confidence you want to connect heat, heart and spirit in your play!
Teachers: Cleo Dubois and Eve Minax
Apply at: www.sm-arts.com/players-course
Erotic Dominance Intensive Weekend for Dominant Men & Men Who Switch
November 18-19, 2006
Dominate with care, competence, presence and passion!
Teachers: Cleo Dubois & Eve Minax
Apply at: www.sm-arts.com/mens-intensive
Join Cleo for a brand new class on Switching called “Playing in the Hall of Mirrors,” Thursday, September 21 at the SF Citadel!
